when nature turns away from me

Sitting in the couch, listening to the rain dropping above the roof, I feel the icy air touching my body. My spirit is intact. My mind is frozen. My body is iced up. Everything is at ease. Outside my sanctuary is wet.

The sunlight sneaks in at my window, moving from one place to another every second, awaking everything. The dusky clouds that had invaded the sky have gone, replaced by nothing else but the strong, alive and joyful sun.

Everything is now bright; shining and twinkling. The remaining droplets of water in the ground make the sunlight spread its dazzling yellow light around the environment. The mountain sets its beautiful green façade. The sky paints rainbow in the horizon. Flowers bloom in yellow, pink and white. The trees are merrily swinging its branches, letting the leaves fall to the ground. The panoramic view never lies, never hides that woes are timid in this kind of setting.

But the Christmas season pushes me to be mentally absent. I don’t know why but I am trying hard to reminisce the past for me to have any ideas to be merry. My tired entries never astonish everyone because I am not having any sense but a bunch of emotional nuts. At this moment I tried to smile, I tried to be awake or be helpful…but I cant. In so many ways I have felt that the sun have turned its light away from me, the flowers have kept its scent, the trees bent away to uncover me, and the rain have gone to other place and never will fall in my spot.

I am lonely. The worthy people had gone out of my life. Leaving me pain and disgust, pity of myself and disappointed. There’s always got to be something left behind for me to smile… and that something is always a part of my life. I don’t understand what I am feeling because I don’t understand how myself works. I’m unimaginative. Washed out buy the uncouth people whom I lived with and poured my empty heart nothing but a liquid of poison that’s killing me softly.

Here I am, nothing but holding myself to the happiest memories in my life. Those were the only ways that somehow would make me happy, made me contented. I draw my sword and ends up the fight to survive. I am doing nothing but picking up my shield, receiving attacks from the enemies. I accept that nature turns away from me because I am nothing… nothing but more than a parasite…a leech by no sense… but I know, I know that nature will come back…back to where I am right now…back to where I am coldly sitting to pour me with their blissful power of light, scent, rain and shelter.