Living Like a "merry-go-round"

I am living like a “merry-go-round”, doing the same things again and again. Turning around and around like life never gets tired of it. The cycle never excites me. It made me weary and tired of it. It’s the whole damn thing that I could ever experience. I am never merry. The “Holy Creature” would have given me much of the new things in the Earth. I felt that my body’s numb and unable to move to which way to go and which path to take. I’m living like a “merry-go-round”.

I have been absurd yet I take everything for real.
I don’t wish to have more than what I have been asking for. But at least I may get the thing that I have been longing to have and do things that I am happy to do. I am like inside a prison for so long and I felt like I want to fly and be free…live to support my needs and have my wants. Live not because of what others like me to do but because of what I want to do. Of all the things that I have done, only I, myself appreciate what I have done. Everything is worthless in their eyes.

My life gets more and more dull.
I now know what lies ahead for the coming six month of my life. I would be doomed to stay inside the bars of uncertainty where I would be idled and pricked myself with the harsh words of annoyance of my presence. It’s hard to live my life and my life is difficult. I am like a loner in the world. No one understands the way I do things and the way I understand it. People hurt me most. Though I don’t care about them, I tend to be hurt when they move like I don’t belong to their lives. I was intimidated and I will always be. The woe of their presence is ghastly unaffectionate. They made me treat them like a foe in a long battle. They made me the worst. But I won’t be defeated. I will never be defeated. As long as I am so alive in the world like a “merry-go-round”. In the world like a “merry-go-round”, where the only passenger is I, myself…

No one’s there in my side.
It’s been an unfortunate experience of my life. I am extremely exhausted by others who are unimpressed by what I am doing. It’s a shame for me. a waste of efforts that I have pondered. I was good and now I felt like a damp. Nobody said I was excellent, nobody would even care that I was once excellent. For them I am horrible. A rock that they have to carry with their life. I’m becoming crazier, unfaithfully outgrown by others.

I’m becoming unfair, the truth is…
Everything I said was addressed only to my family. To my family which they think I am happy, which they think I am not hurt, which they themselves don’t know who I really am. It hurts me much, they hurt me to the utmost. If only my heart would explode, it would have been. I’d like to scream at the top of my voice and burst my eyes into blood-colored tears. I never did right to them. I am filled with their weary eyes and intended words. I don’t have my mother and my father as well… but would it be right to get insults from where I am right now, the fact that I’ve been living in them for 17 years already? I’ve been scolded and it’s all so normal to me. I do understand that I can’t expect much from them. Because I am just a scornful nephew who did nothing but to put a heavy weight in their waists. I want to die, to let them feel that I am no where to be found already and to let them feel lost; to let them weep and regret. I’d bring the heaviest weight in their life. I’d be happy if I die. But I’ll wait until that time, the time where I will leave the life of “merry-go-round”. For now, I’ll make myself the best of the best and never will I surrender to be one. I wont let them down me on completely. I will leave in this place and have fun of my life….until they’ll realize… that I am not as horrible as they think I am. But one thing’s for sure…It’s hard to be alone in the world like “merry-go-round” but I’d rather be alone than be with someone who’ll hurt me most.