An Entry About You

I said I'd call back, but I hadn't. I failed.

But then, I can not afford to fail you twice today. I promised you two things: to write an entry about you, and say lots of I love yous. And I wont fail you this time...

Brace yourself - but I dont really know what to write about except:

It's not quite a shocker for me to fall in love with you a lot. I know, I know you doubt me about this matter, but this is what my heart feels. I love everything about you. The way you take care of me is hilarious - no words can describe how it makes me crazy.

Without you, this life would be a plain rough life - nobody to talk to, quarrel about, and play with. I dont mean I am playing your love... but what I mean is you are, as I quote you saying, an 'all-in-one package' - you're a brother, a bestfriend, a playmate, a confider, and hopefully a lifetime partner. I could never find another you in my life... Say, maybe I could, but not you...which is rubbish...thinking about it just made me cry and break my heart...

I am neither being poetic here, nor applying the flowery words I learn as a stumbling writer... I am being honest to myself, and to you Pao.

I know I've been a pain in the ass but you know how much love I have for you to forget the pain and move forward (which I do hope so). We've conquered lots of problems, we've proven much both to ourselves what we can do for each other. I know I haven't proven myself much in that matter, but you just have to think about one thing in black and white: I love you very much. If you are not satisfied with that, I guess I can not do anything about that...

Forgive me & believe me as I say:

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I LOVE YOU PAO

P.S. Dont break my heart... or i'll break yours. kidding

Pouring Out After Shift [It's All About You, Baby]

We went to a former workmate's flat yesterday. I was with Paolo and my other workmates. The most lovely thing about it was going out with the one I truly love the most - Paolo. 

I am confident that he will always protect me from anything that will happen. Words cant describe how happy I am; how boring life is if he's not around; how my heart is sliced in two if he'd leave and wander; how I'd be a loner again and suffer. But even though I know he cant resist being away from me, I can not ignore the possiblity otherwise. I wont allow it however.

Being with Paolo is like you are poured with a bucket of warm water of love :D he's sweet, caring and most of all, he filled me love I cant find from everyone. 

It was Saturday when I realized the essence of his love; when emptiness showered me and all I have to face is his absence. Now, I dont have to be so hard on my self - why do I have to doubt him when all he's done is to pour me love I never expected until then. 

What's important is not just to have someone in life, but the happiness that someone is gonna share with you.

Love is just mysterious, but it's predictible - it's subjective; depends on how one handles it. Okay. 

I JUST LOVE YOU

RAWR

Cooked a bit of a more confused love story stirred up by a romantic partner who adds a sugar of sweetness boosted the wonderful taste of relationship. A pepper of argument spiced up the affair - completes the recipe of a true delicious love.

Blank Page

Whenever I see a blank page, my hands wont hesitate to push the keys. Just wanna say:

It's never been easy being with this.

I keep answering the same things. Whenever doubt hits your head, try to bump it on the wall. Why, with all the things that I've done, you still dont get what I really feel? Or try to understand it perhaps?

Look, if I dont love you, I wouldn't swalllow everything people pushes me to eat. I would never dare shut my mouth up whenever aunt tells me how disgusting and shameless I am. I am trying to take everything in, coz I believe in what you have said, that I would never be alone...not ever.

It's quite hard for me whenever you always ask if love fades, when it wont. PLEASE stop asking me the same question over and over again. It annoyes me a lot. 

But, somehow, I feel edgy about some things; that I should distance myself for a short time- just to indulge everything for awhile. Though I wont fall out of love, I need some time to indulge words that come inside my head. The first time in life that love blocks my way. Well, life's like this, I'm learning to follow.

[Untitled]

I dont really mean anything. What's so hard to understand about it?

I never meant anything.

Why did I even tweet it in the first place?

Okay. It's my bad. I'm sorry. But yes. The damage has been undone & I'm waiting for whatever you

have in mind to make me suffer and bleed.

Your voice is pushing me away, ending the what had been so brilliant relationship to last.

I am really sorry.

If there's anything I can do to mend your broken heart, I'd do it for you :] forgive me.

May 15, 2010 – Arguing Between Who’s Gay & Who’s Not

I’d never placed something so extinct in my life like this kind of relationship has to me. I’ve just tried out a really kind of a random feeling – through the sort-of-an-accident slash out-of-curiosity kiss hasn’t failed to bring me joy, which I’m guilty of the “that’s so gay” statement. Well, I…uhmm…accepting the fact of the matter. I am swallowing the whole idea, trying hard to just embrace it, accepting the criticisms of the people, and the un-acceptance of my family.

But he said, “I’m not gay” – which could only mean that I am? Okay. I might be ‘gay’ since I AM into this KIND of RELATIONSHIP. Although, honestly I tried to push the idea that it might be possible to be into this and not being ‘gay’ at all. But then again, I couldn’t argue more with people around coz I wouldn’t be into this if I am not gay to start with. So the thing is he said he’s not ‘gay’. So he means that I am. Or he doesn’t want to admit that he is. Or he is not really gay, but he likes having relationship with me, which could, again, only mean that I’m the one who’s gay here. Okay.

He said I’m straight. And he said he’s not gay. So we are both straight who have a steady relationship. Is that possible? Oh, yes it is. Like we are just friends and nothing more. Right? It would be better that way, if he wants to make other people believe he is not gay. Better go separate ways and live alone like we used to be just like before we had met.

There’s no fuss about this matter though. I just don’t understand why he said that he was not gay… So he doesn’t want to be gay. Okay, well it would be the end of this relationship if that would be the case. Maybe he meant “I’m not that kind of gay you’re thinking about.” But saying “I’m not gay” puts a tinge of oddity of this same sex relationship.

This is what I’m thinking about. This shallow & reserved brain has not failed to think about this matter. As a ‘man’ who has just tried to get into this kind of relationship 5 months ago, this really made me raise my left eyebrow and touched my ego. I now wonder if we could even make it through since we are both straight – real straight men into real straight relationship (?)

Well. If I am to choose, I would love to leave this if he meant that way. But since he has made it clear he could be a good lover and all, I am trying to go along and feel the intensity of what a man to man call this – relationship. Just make it clear.

So I’ve mentioned that this day is exactly the 5^th month of this man-man relationship. We went out loitering about the street, which I haven’t made fun out of it. The sound of the people, the faces, and the monotony of the places bore me a lot. It simply nauseates me. I can not be more happy being with him, but I cant go out inching with people. Call me boring, kill joy, unsociable and all. (I’m not fond of social events in the first place, nor willing to go one) But still we went out window shopping. He bought us foods, which was the most charitable thing he had done. AMEN.

[TireD]

I heard it. You're tired of me. And I understand. We quarreled, or was it what you call one?

It was a matter of saying something right, was it not?

It was something I have done, was it not?

Was it a matter of winning the argument?

Was it something to do with someone who has done something wrong, or right?

Was it something to do with pride?

Or was it because you just don't love me anymore...

No you don't love me anymore.

You've said a lot.

It was a lot to bear.

My heart has swolen.

Have you had any feelings?

Please mend it, tend it, before the end of time...

*BAW*

[LOVE]

It's been ages. 

But I'm still here, haven't had the words to say 

I love you...

I miss you...

I totally adore you...

I'm crazy for you...

and

I am happy with you...

 

 

Most of all:

Wow. I love my page banner so much. 

Thank you very much

and you are there 65 degrees left of my position watching The Haunting in Connecticut. I hope I can touch your hands and tickle your armpit. 

 

AMEN.

all alone in my room...

holding

a phone in my left hand

and 

a bottle of rhum in my right.

 

-it's gonna be a good night :)

i wont be thinking of you anymore...

it pains me if i will.

Want reasons: I feel the need to be with you forever... if i have to write this strangled feeling, it would be: 

You lighten up my whole world..
You spiced up my bitter life..
You showed me love I thought I couldn't find..

I love you because of these 8)