May 15, 2010 – Arguing Between Who’s Gay & Who’s Not

I’d never placed something so extinct in my life like this kind of relationship has to me. I’ve just tried out a really kind of a random feeling – through the sort-of-an-accident slash out-of-curiosity kiss hasn’t failed to bring me joy, which I’m guilty of the “that’s so gay” statement. Well, I…uhmm…accepting the fact of the matter. I am swallowing the whole idea, trying hard to just embrace it, accepting the criticisms of the people, and the un-acceptance of my family.

But he said, “I’m not gay” – which could only mean that I am? Okay. I might be ‘gay’ since I AM into this KIND of RELATIONSHIP. Although, honestly I tried to push the idea that it might be possible to be into this and not being ‘gay’ at all. But then again, I couldn’t argue more with people around coz I wouldn’t be into this if I am not gay to start with. So the thing is he said he’s not ‘gay’. So he means that I am. Or he doesn’t want to admit that he is. Or he is not really gay, but he likes having relationship with me, which could, again, only mean that I’m the one who’s gay here. Okay.

He said I’m straight. And he said he’s not gay. So we are both straight who have a steady relationship. Is that possible? Oh, yes it is. Like we are just friends and nothing more. Right? It would be better that way, if he wants to make other people believe he is not gay. Better go separate ways and live alone like we used to be just like before we had met.

There’s no fuss about this matter though. I just don’t understand why he said that he was not gay… So he doesn’t want to be gay. Okay, well it would be the end of this relationship if that would be the case. Maybe he meant “I’m not that kind of gay you’re thinking about.” But saying “I’m not gay” puts a tinge of oddity of this same sex relationship.

This is what I’m thinking about. This shallow & reserved brain has not failed to think about this matter. As a ‘man’ who has just tried to get into this kind of relationship 5 months ago, this really made me raise my left eyebrow and touched my ego. I now wonder if we could even make it through since we are both straight – real straight men into real straight relationship (?)

Well. If I am to choose, I would love to leave this if he meant that way. But since he has made it clear he could be a good lover and all, I am trying to go along and feel the intensity of what a man to man call this – relationship. Just make it clear.

So I’ve mentioned that this day is exactly the 5^th month of this man-man relationship. We went out loitering about the street, which I haven’t made fun out of it. The sound of the people, the faces, and the monotony of the places bore me a lot. It simply nauseates me. I can not be more happy being with him, but I cant go out inching with people. Call me boring, kill joy, unsociable and all. (I’m not fond of social events in the first place, nor willing to go one) But still we went out window shopping. He bought us foods, which was the most charitable thing he had done. AMEN.